ip.chuawriting
Post bài mới
Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 từ IELTS Planet - Học IELTS Online.
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé.

2.3k Bài viết

3.2k Góp ý

2k bình luận

22.2k thành viên

Some people think that the governments should give financial support to artists, musicians and poets. Others think that it is a waste of money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Art, music and literature have been essential parts of our life since the dawn of human beings. While some investments in these fields meet little success and become waste, I would argue that governments must keep supporting artist, musicians and poets in terms of finance.

Protestors stand against this policy for several reasons. They assume that it is a huge waste of money because most of them are poor and art is something luxurious. Such poverty not only prevents them from enjoying music, poems or pictures but also leads them to emotionlessness as a result of being eroded by drudgeries and stressful objectives. Besides, the more money governments spend on art, the more amount of the former they lack to develop other key industries and urgent phenomena. In other words, housing crisis, migrant crisis or social welfare should receive more genuine concerns from governments rather than the fields of art and music which are regularly for the wealthy or at least the middle-class.

On the other hand, providing financial support to artists, musicians and poets is beneficial to all types of the resident. In fact, no matter how rich or poor people are, they always have their own paths to enjoy music or poems. Some can even make music and draw pictures with the most rudimentary rocks or stones. Governments, if invest in the right time and right place, might not only nurture the mental lives of civilians but also bring out many talents for the future. In addition, there are potential and hidden possibilities of art and music that can be exploited to enhance tourism. No sooner are artists, musicians and poets backed with money and facilities than they can come up with a great deal of ideas from traditional to modern works that attract thousands of tourists, and then regenerate the whole budget they have invested.

In conclusion, supporting artists, musicians and poets comes at a price that not everybody would be willing to pay. However, with the relevant and feasible equipment, they can bestow us lots of advantages from mental value to tourism development.

Mình viết bài còn khá chậm và nhiều lỗi ngữ pháp, mong các bạn góp ý. Cảm ơn mọi người!

Rating: 8.00
đã hỏi trong Discussion bởi (0 điểm)
share bài về Wall để xem lại ===>

1 góp ý

0 phiếu
 
góp ý hay nhất

Chao ban,

Overall the structure of the essay is clear. There is no detrimental grammar mistake in your writing. 

A few things to improve:

(1) since the dawn of human beings => this is a cliche. Best to avoid.

(2) They assume that it is a huge waste of money because most of them are poor and art is something luxurious. Such poverty not only prevents them from enjoying music, poems or pictures but also leads them to emotionlessness as a result of being eroded by drudgeries and stressful objectives => This is a weak & unclear argument. It sounds a bit offensive and patronizing as well.

(3) Some can even make music and draw pictures with the most rudimentary rocks or stones => Evidence? Too big of an overstatement I think.

(4) they can bestow us => inappropriate use of this word here.

I fixed your essay below. Hope it helps. Keep up with the good effort.

_______________________

Art, music and literature have been essential parts of our life. While some investments in these fields meet little success, I would argue that governments should continue to support artist, musicians and poets financially.

Some people stand against this policy for several reasons. To them, art is representative of eliticism and priviledges enjoyed by the wealthy. Additionally, the more money governments spend on art, the less funding they have to develop other key industries and solve urgent problems. For example, housing crisis, migrant crisis or social welfare should receive more attention from governments.

On the other hand, providing financial support to artists, musicians and poets is beneficial to the society in general. In fact, regardless of their socioeconomics background, people would find a way to enjoy music or poems. Governments, when they invest in the right people at the right time, might not only nurture the cultural lives of civilians but also bring out many talents for the future. In addition, there are hidden aspects of art and music that can be exploited to enhance tourism. No sooner are artists, musicians and poets backed with financial support and facilities than they can come up with new ideas, from traditional to modern works, that would attract a greater inflow of tourists, thereby improving national economy.

In conclusion, supporting artists, musicians and poets comes at a price that not everybody would be willing to pay. However, with a sensible level of public investment, they would generate both economic and cultural values to society.

Rating: 7.40
đã góp ý bởi (90 điểm)
được bầu chọn là bài viết hay nhất bởi

Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)
...