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It is true that moving industries and companies out of the cities in some countries while this may have several negative; I believe that the benefits are greater.

One the one hand, there are several disadvantages of changing the local of industries and businesses. Firstly, there are many people who have been working in the factory or company which have to move into the cities will meet some difficult when they go to work every day, because the transportation is not easy. Secondly, the businesses will difficult communicating and working with other businesses or administrative units into the cities; because, which are far from the city center. Finally, the daily life of many people may be effective, the children will be taken care when their parents have to work far from their home every day.

On the other hand, these positives are outweighed by some benefits. The simplest is that the population density will be reduced. Thus, people in the countries will be work in the local area instead of go to the cities. Another benefit is that the traffic congestion will be decreased; because there is a huge of people leave cities to go to work in new regions where industries will be put. Finally, the pollution problems will be reduced, the private verticals sure reduce and it contributes making the air of cities clearer than before.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the benefits of encouraging factories and companies to move out of the cities of the government are more significant than the disadvantages.
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1/ It is true that moving industries and companies out of the cities in some countries while this may have several negative; I believe that the benefits are greater.

Dấu phẩy được đặt để ngăn cách 2 mệnh đề độc lập. Do đó nên viết thành.

It is true that moving industries and companies out of the cities in some countries. While this may have several negative, I believe that the benefits are greater.

2/ bạn hơi lạm dụng "On the other hand, thus, finally". Có khá nhiều từ liên kết mà bạn có thể dùng như Besides, Moreover, Furthermore, last but not least,  etc.

3/ trước và sau because đều không có dấu ";" hay "," gì hết nhé.

4/ về các ý trong bài thì có lẽ bạn nên tham khảo thêm bài giảng ielts khá hay tại đây https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOSo0A8ngEXUNqNesQ6cFtmtsL95UZWYh

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Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)
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