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Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 từ IELTS Planet - Học IELTS Online.
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      There is a large number of people who experience the sense of  danger either at home or when they are out. Personally, I think this issue is very much related to criminal situation social news media which should receive more attention and concerns from both governments and public.

    There are several reasons as to why I think this issue has direct connection with criminal rate and daily published ìnormation. First and foremost, it is getting harder to get a place in the job market, which demands not only academic knowledge, working experiences and skills but also technical-savvy. Thus, more and more people are being competed and having difficulties in getting and maintaining their position in their current careers. Those who lose in job competition are more likely to be tempted by illegal activities and become criminal, which provides the best explanation for the increasing in criminals every year. Secondly, people’s mental and spiritual life are presently continually bombarded by all sort of negative information from news media. Too much exposure to such information can, for most of the time, takes a huge toll on their outlook of life.

    Such distressing issue can be addressed by several proactive actions and measures. Governments can decrease the chances at which a normal person could turn into criminals by introducing some policies concerning increasing wages for workers who have financial problems, temporarily exempting them from some unnecessary taxes. Furthermore, publishers and editors should regularly control the contents of social media to make sure that not too much information about the downside of the society is published and broadcast.

     In brief, increasing in criminal rates, inappropriate information uploaded by the social media are main precursors to people’s feeling of unsafetiness. Thus, Solutions and measures must be carefully considered

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Theo mình câu ở đoạn kết luận là "the main precursors to the people's feeling of unsafeness" mình nghĩ là nên thêm 2 the ko biết đúng ko, với tra từ chỉ có unsafeness chứ ko có unsafetiness.

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- "more and more" và "get" là informal
 
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- Firstly có vẻ hơi dài so với secondly.

 

Sao góp ý lại cần 300 ký tự nhỉ? thế hóa ra là phải viết bài mới ah??
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
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I think this issue is very much related to criminal situation social news media which should receive more attention and concerns from both governments and public. --> thực sự mình ko hiểu ý bạn, bạn nên có dấu câu ngắt ý hoặc dùng liên từ nối ý để câu rõ nghĩa hơn.

There are several reasons as to why I think this issue has direct connection with criminal rate and daily published ìnormation --> bạn nên bỏ as to đi

 

Too much exposure to such information can, for most of the time, takes a huge toll on their outlook of life. --> sau can thì take bỏ s đi

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Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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