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Topic IELTS của tuần này  14/03/2015:

Nowadays, many families have both parents working. Some working parents believe other family members like grandparents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centres provide the best care.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Hạn chót nộp bài sẽ là 12h trưa sáng thứ 7 tuần này nhé :)

Have fun !

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Bài mẫu Band 8.0 cho đề Task 2 tuần này: 14/03/2015 đến từ IPP IELTS

·         It is a social norm that both parents pursue their career paths outside of home, and their children are taken care of either by teachers at nurseries or by grandparents. While the latter option is advantageous to some, I strongly believe nursery school provide the best preparation for children.

 

There are reasons why some parents are in favour having their children being looked after by grandparents. First, unlike childcare centres, grandparents do not usually demand a payment for their service. To some financially disadvantaged families, this can be the most economical choice. Furthermore, with grandparents’ support, the children-caretakers ratio can be just a fraction of that at a nursery. This means there will be more eyes to monitor every step the children take, to assure them of an environment free of any detriment.

 

On the other hand, I am of the opinion that sending children to preschools is a more beneficial solution for a comprehensive development. With standardised educational methods, these schools may foster both physical and intellectual growth of children. For instance, children can be exposed to a diversity of opinions and backgrounds, thus develop their social skills by negotiating with other kids. Moreover, at these places, healthy and balanced diets for children can be catered, according to eating menus that are tailored based on the nutrient needs of different ages. As a result, preschool children may progress faster than those who are home-schooled, both psychologically and physically.

 

In conclusion, even though some parents still choose to have childcare support by grandparents, I believe that kindergarten is the right place for an all rounded progress of a child.

 

 

Rating: 7.50
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3 góp ý

+1 phiếu
People have different views about providing child-care to their offspring while they are at work. While some people think that it would be better to let grandparents step into the role of caregiver for their grandkids, I would argue that sending children to child-care schools could bring more benefits to them.

On the one hand, there are various reasons why a family member should play a parental role of taking care for his family’s baby. First of all, grandparents, for instance, can give their love to their grandkids unconditionally because of a deep-rooted sense of family responsibility and commitments. As a result, kids will be always protected by family members who love them the most. Secondly, instead of sending them to a day-care center which is usually costly, having grandparents as babysitters of their kids will save a lot of money for a couple. This saving can be used for taking care of their kids or for many extraordinary family activities, such as having a picnic with all of family members.

On the other hand, I would believe that a child-care school is more beneficial to both parents and their offspring. Firstly, many day-care centers are supervised by government or local authorities, in some cases caregivers are required to get child-care license before participating in any child-care services. Staff members at these centers are usually trained in early childhood education so they know what to expect from a baby and how to nurture his growing skills accordingly. Secondly, children are able to have the chance to socialize with their peer, which they may not usually do when they are with their relative at home. Due to participating in various extraordinary activities at school with their friends, such as dancing, drawing, singing, and so on, children can learn different social skills. Finally, not only kids can make new friends at a child-care school, their parents do so. In deed, parents can meet other parents so they can learn from other’s experience about how to raise their kids.

In conclusion, while there are some good points of grandparents being caregivers for their grandkids, I believe that a child-care center can provide the best cares for them.

(356 words). Viết hơi dài, có lẽ khi thi không viết được thế này :(
Rating: 7.63
đã góp ý bởi (12 điểm)

This is a fairly good essay, despite some lengthy sentences which complicated the structure unnecessarily. However, having said that, you expressed your opinions quite well and the ideas were excellent.

Here are some of my suggestions for improvement:

views about providing childcare to = views regarding the provision of childcare for ....

let = allow

child-care schools = nurseries/creches

should play a parental role of taking care of (wrong article use - replace a for the) = should be responsible for the parental care of

will be always = will likely be (wrong adverb position & cautious language) 

Check here for more information on cautious language in academic writing: http://www.monash.edu.au/lls/hdr/build/3.5.6.html

instead of sending them to day-care center= instead of using day-care center (repeated use of 'sending them')

Can be used for taking care of = can be spent on other expenses? (repeated use of taking care of)

extraordinary <<<<< utterly wrong use of this word, extraordinary means fantastic, amazing, ...

get child-care license = obtain child-care license (never use 'get' in writing, its informal)

nurture his growing skills = (identify and nurture?) his abilities and talents

their peer(s), their relative(s) <<< plural

Here's an example of how your sentence can be shortened: 

Secondly, children are able to have the chance to socialize with their peer, which they may not usually do when they are with their relative at home. 

-> Toddlers are given the opportunity to socialize with their peers, which family members are unable to provide/offer.

Due to participating in various extraordinary activities = Due to the participation in extracurricular activities (again, the wrong use of the word 'extraordinary' might bring your mark down)

Not only kids can... , their parents do so <<<< this should be an inverted sentence

Not only do/can kids ...., so do/can their parents 
In deed = Indeed << its 1 word not 2

To sum up, your ideas were well expressed, but you overcomplicated the sentences, I believed this is due to your mindset of 'the more compound sentences, the better the mark'. While this is generally true, in your case it is not.

I'd give you a 7 for this essay :)
 

 

 

 

Cảm ơn bạn Minh Đức nhiều. Hi vọng lần sau tụi mình có thể giúp đỡ qua lại tiếp smiley

Hi bạn, bạn xem bài chữa tại link NÀY nhé!

bài này cao nhất là được 6 thôi bạn. thứ nhất, cấu trúc ngữ pháp còn đơn giản. thứ 2, các từ vựng dùng cho bài viên còn hạn chế, còn có sự lập ttu rất nhiều. thứ 3, còn dùng nhiều dạng văn nói, thứ tư, câu kết của toàn bài không có gì thay đổi hoặc mới mẻ, các ý diễn đạt không thoát y ở phần 1, và  còn nhiều lỗi chính tả đơn giản.
+1 phiếu
Many working parents face the dilemma as to whether they should let their children stay at home with family members, such as grandparents, or send them to childcare facilities. I will discuss both views and then state my opinion.

Some people argue that allowing the children to stay at home with grandparents is more beneficial for parents because of the cost saving incurred. Usually, grandparents voluntarily agree to care for their grandchildren out of pure love, and thus they expect no monetary reward for the job.By contrast, childcare facilities do cost a lot of money, for poor families this expense can be an insuperable hurdle. Furthermore, a child attending childcare has a higher risk of catching highly contagious diseases. Most of young children under three year olds do not have fully developed immune system, and so if one child in the daycare catches the virus, it is very likely the rest will be infected too.

On the other hand, some people counter that despite the cost, and the risk of contagious diseases, parents should send their children to daycare in order for them to fully develop both cognitive ability as well as physical health. A study carried out by Harvard University followed two groups of children: one attended daycare and the other did not. By 6 years old, the children who attended daycare were much more affluent in math and spelling, also, they were healthier. By adulthood, they went on to reap successes in various fields, while the other group was less accomplished.

The result of the study highlights the importance of the first three years of a child’s life. During this period, if exposed to carefully designed activities, children's cognitive abilities and physical health will increase by leaps and bounds, and this stage will also indicate their success in later stages of life. Only the professionally trained teachers at daycare can carry out these special activities, grandparents at home have neither the knowledge nor the facilities to do so.

In conclusion, the full development of young children is too important to let them stay at home. The parents should send them to childcare service if their financial situation allows.
Rating: 6.25
đã góp ý bởi (70 điểm)
sửa nội dung bởi
Các bạn đừng viết quá dài nhé ;) Giám khảo sẽ không vui khi đọc bài quá dài đâu. 4 paragraph essays kiểu Simon là hợp lý rồi. ;)
em thưa thầy, đó có phải là discuss both views nhưng nếu agree ý nào thì paragraph support  ý kiến đó có nên được viết dài hơn 1 chút k ạ?

em cảm ơn ạ.
Dài hơn là đúng em ạ, nhưng là cái paragraph đó dài hơn, chứ không phải là thêm 1 đoạn văn nữa.
0 phiếu
Many people think that having their children looked after by their grandparent is the best way for working parents while others argue that childcare centers can support the best services. Although I am in favour of the latter, this essay will discuss both views.

To begin with, opponents of sending children to childcare center have the firm grounds to defend their position. Firstly, being the close relatives to the children, grandparents are completely able to understand them; as the result, they can support all the children’s basic needs. More importantly, as the children lacking their parents’ care may cause children’s depression or autism, grandparents will be a substitute who love them and help them feel being loved.

However, I am convinced that going to the childcare center has its unique advantages to put the cognitive development of children on the right track. First and foremost, childcare center can provide the comprehensive curriculum to help children fully develop. For instance, they have chance to learn the alphabet, draw or join the extra activities and completion, which most parents or grandparents hardly spend time and effort doing it. Educated in the childcare center, they are able to learn things in the early age, which is the best time for them to acquire knowledge. Additionally, childcare centers also provide a creative studying environment where they can play, study and compete with friends to be more independent.

To conclude, although having children taken care by their grandparents is advantaged in some extent, I still believe that sending children to childcare center is ideal to the working parents because of its benefit on the children themselves.  

Lần đầu tham gia, rất mong mọi người sửa giúp mình ạ:D
Rating: 6.25
đã góp ý bởi (7 điểm)

Many people think that having their children looked after by their agrandparent is the best way for working parents, while others argue that childcare centers can support the best services. Although I am in favour of the latter, this essay will discuss both views.

To begin with, opponents of sending children to childcare centers have the firm grounds to defend their position. Firstly, being the close relatives to the children, grandparents are completely able to understand them; as the result, they can support all of the children’s basic needs. More importantly, as the children that lacking their parents’ care may cause be at risk forchildren’s depression or autism, grandparents will be a substitute who love them and help them feel being loved.

However, I am convinced that going to the a childcare center has its unique advantages to put the cognitive development of children on the right track. First and foremost, childcare centers can provide the a comprehensive curriculum to help children fully develop. For instance, they have the chance to learn the alphabet, draw or join the in extra activities and completion, which most parents or grandparents hardly spend time and effort doing it. Educated in the childcare center, they are able to learn things in theat an early age, which is the best time for them to acquire knowledge. Additionally, childcare centers also provide a creative studying environment where they can play, study and compete with friends to be more independent.

To conclude, although having children taken care of by their grandparents is an advantagedtoin some extent, I still believe that sending children to a childcare center is ideal to thefor working parents because of its benefits on to the children themselves.

 

Task achievement- 7.5

Coherence and cohesion- 8.0

Lexical resource- 7.0

Grammatical range and accuracy- 7.0

-       Bài viết cần chú ý cách sử dụng mạo từ trong câu ( hầu như lỗi sai mắc phải là về mạo từ)

e.g: have firm grounds (chứ không phải have the firm grounds), being close relatives to the children (chứ không phải being the close relatives to the children), …

- be at the risk for something ( thay vì Cause children’s dispression), at an early age ( không phải in the early age), to some extent = to some degree ( không có in some extent)

- Advantage (verb, noun), động từ này không dùng ở dạng bị động.

 

 


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