ip.chuawriting
Post bài mới
Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 từ IELTS Planet - Học IELTS Online.
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé.

2,080 Bài viết

2,942 Góp ý

1,941 bình luận

13,151 thành viên

Đề IELTS hàng tuần ngày 29/1/2015 - Bài Discursive Essay của bạn mimosa

Bài Discursive Essay Band 6.5 của bạn mimosa

Các bạn cũng có thể xem bài viết tại ĐÂY với các phần lỗi được highlight đầy đủ.

It is now possible for scientists and tourists to travel to remote natural environment, such as South pole.

Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Bài chữa được thực hiện bởi Trang Truong IPP IELTS

www.facebook.com/ipphanoi

BAND 6.5 – 294 words

**** Cách viết đưa ra các luận điểm không cẩn trọng (không dùng cautious language, đưa ra dữ liệu không trích nguồn, một số chỗ đưa ra khẳng định không căn cứ), dẫn tới việc bài viết bị trừ điểm rất nặng về Task Achievement.

With the advances in modern technology, scientists and tourists are now able to reach distant destinations, the South Pole, for example. In my opinion, I believe (1) that this development (2) has more disadvantages than advantages.

Some environmentalists are horrified at the idea of tourist invasion in such pristine places because people's ignorance can cause serious harm to the endemic animals there. With tourists normally comes vandalism (3); tourists may throw rubbish irresponsibly, causing the animals considerable harm (4). For example, a polar bear in North Pole recently met its death due to its swallowing a plastic bottle, presumably left behind by a tourist (5).

Secondly, scientist expeditions may be in fact just a cover for the nations’ true scheme - a race to claim natural resources. For example, in 2013, Russia sent a number of icebreakers on the expedition to North Pole (6), in the name of scientific research. Their true ambition, however, was to claim a large swath of the Arctic, which is believed to contain vast reserves of untapped oil and gas (6). The extent of damage caused by human extraction activities is unimaginable. All the drilling will melt the ice at even a faster rate than that caused by global warming (7).

Admittedly, the development (8) has some advantages as well. One of which is the important scientific discovery made on expeditions. Due to its subzero conditions, the activities of bacteria and microorganism are almost non-existent, creating an ideal medium for preservation (9). A remarkably intact frozen baby mammoth carcass from 39000 years ago was excavated from Siberia in 2013 (10), providing an unprecedented chance to study this extinct species.

In conclusion, though there is the advantage of science discoveries made in the new development (11), the disadvantages caused by tourist ignorance and the race for untapped resources far eclipse the benefits.

  1. You need only one these two phrases ‘in my opinion’ and ‘I believe’
  2. Unclear referral to this development. Does it refer to the advance in modern technology or the fact that scientists and tourists are now capable of reaching distant destinations?
  3. Not a logical example. In the topic sentence you mentioned about people’s ignorance which can cause harm to the animals, but then you pointed out about ‘vandalism’, which does not help explain about ‘ignorance’.
  4. Not a good paraphrase because of repetition.
  5. In this sentence, even if you really know about this fact, you simply cannot prove it in an IELTS test. So it’s better not to use a real-life example. You may use generalisation to better it.
  6. Similar to (5)
  7. How do you know it?
  8. Similar to (2)
  9. Again, how do you know it for sure?
  10. Similar to (5)
  11. Similar to (2)

 

Overall: 6.5

To some fastidious examiners, this band score can be reduced by 0.5

 

Task Achievement: 6.0

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Lexical: 7.0

Grammar: 7.0

 

Detailed comments:

In terms of Task Response, you have generally addresses the task, but some parts may be more fully covered than others, and there is a tendency of overgeneralisation.

 

In terms of Coherence and Cohesion, you referencing language is unclear in some places. It should also be noticed that your paragraphing can make the readers think that one part of the task is explained more thoroughly than the other is.

 

For your Lexical Resources, you have used a range of vocabulary; but a large proportion of your good vocab is in the places where you have a trouble with Task Achievement. Apart from that, there are some word choice mistakes.

 

Your Grammar is generally good. You have use a range of sentence structures accurately, except one basic mistake.

 

Cách thức gửi bài chữa cho Thư viện: Theo Post này: www.facebook.com/thuvienbaichuaIELTS/posts/833077206751807

Thư viện Bài chữa IELTS được hỗ trợ về mặt nội dung bởi thầy Tú Phạm, cô Trang Trương và IPP IELTS Hà Nội với các thầy cô 8.0 IELTS.

Rating: 8.20
đã hỏi 5 Tháng 2, 2015 trong Band score 6.0-6.5 bởi Tu Pham IPP (14 điểm)
share bài về Wall để xem lại ===>

Xin vui lòng đăng nhập hoặc đăng ký để góp ý bài viết này.

1 góp ý

0 phiếu
Mình thấy cấu trúc "causing the animals considerable harm" đâu có gì sai nhỉ. Trong từ điển Oxford ghi là cause sb st mà??
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý 6 Tháng 2, 2015 bởi nickyng (48 điểm)
Cảm ơn nickyng vì góp ý của bạn. Cách dùng này không được recognised ở phần lớn từ điển khác, nhưng khi Oxford đã dùng thì mặc nhiên cách đó là đúng. Đây là sai sót từ phía IPP, bên mình đã sửa lại cho đúng.

Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

Tham khảo các bài viết tương tự

...