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Bài Opinion Essay Band 5.5 của bạn Susan Tran

Link bài viết gốc tại: http://scholarshipplanet.info/check/2131/ielts-2015-people-think-there-should-strict-controls-about-noise-others-think-could?show=2133#a2133

Để theo dõi bài viết trực quan hơn bạn có thể truy cập link: https://www.facebook.com/thuvienbaichuaIELTS/photos/a.820481584678036.1073741829.820224231370438/839771636082364/?type=1

Some people think that there should be some strict controls about noise. Others think that they could just make as much noise as they want.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Bài chữa được thực hiện bởi

Trang Truong IPP IELTS


People have different views about whether or not stern controls about noise should be established. While many people think that they can make as much noise as possible (1), I believe that noise should be controlled by the policy of the government.


There are several reasons why some people want to create noise as much as they want (2). Firstly, the (3) noise is indispensable in many situations such as the (4) music programs, festivals, and sports games. In these cases, everyone has the right to create noise. Secondly, most of people (5a) feel relaxing (5a) when they make noise. For example, under the high stressful pressure(5b), most of workers (6) often tend to shout or sing aloud to release the burden.


Despite the above arguments, I believe that the government should establish the (7) strict policy to control the (8) noise to reduce the negative effects. When the (9) noise becomes excessive, the (10) terrible problems can arise and escalate even further over time if ignored. It can cause stress as well as inflicting (11) some medical conditions such as sleepless nights and headaches if noise is lasted (12) in the wrong place and at the wrong time. Besides that, the (13) noise makes a nuisance to other people (14). For instance, the study of(15) students can be distracted by the (16) loud strum and drum sounds made by their neighbours.


In conclusion, there are good reasons why noise possibly be created(17) as much as some people want, but in my opinion the (18) noise should be strictly controlled by the policy of the government (19).

Các lỗi phổ biến nhất: Sai mạo từ, các lỗi ngữ pháp cơ bản. Ngoài ra còn các lỗi sai về sử dụng từ, lặp từ, đều có thể kéo điểm xuống.

Proofreading notes:

(1) ‘as possible’ doesn’t mean the same thing as ‘as they want’

(2) same as the topic -> need to paraphrase

(4)(7)(8)(9)(10)(13)(16)(18): Problem with article

(5a) relaxing -> relaxed

(5a) Most of people -> Most people

(5b) under the high stressful pressure -> under stress

(6) Most of workers -> Most workers

 (11) Parallelism: inflicting -> inflict

(12) Grammar: noise is lasted -> noise lasts

(14) ‘make a nuisance to’: collocation mistake

(15) ‘the study of’: unnecessary

(17) ‘possibly be’ is a wrong expression to describe ability/probability

(19) The whole sentence is the same as the last sentence in the introduction 


Overall: 5.5 (rounded-up)

To some fastidious examiners, this band score can be reduced by 0.5


Task Achievement: 5.5

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Lexical: 5.0

Grammar: 5.0


Detailed comments:

In terms of Task Response, you have generally addresses the task. But the extent to which the ideas are extended and supported is rather limited.


In terms of Coherence, your paragraphing and language must express your opinion clearly. There are repetition because of the lack of referencing and paraphrasing.


Your Lexical Resources is moderate. You have used a limited range of vocabulary; better word choices for certain contexts should be selected.


Your Grammar needs more improvements: articles and parallelism. You have used only a limited range of structures.





Cách thức gửi bài chữa và tra cứu các bài khác trong Thư viện: Theo Post www.facebook.com/thuvienbaichuaIELTS/posts/833077206751807

Thư viện Bài chữa IELTS được hỗ trợ về mặt nội dung bởi thầy Tú Phạm, cô Trang Trương và IPP IELTS Hà Nội với các thầy cô 8.0 IELTS www.facebook.com/ipphanoi

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