Overall: 6.0 (rounded-up)
To some fastidious examiners, this band score can be reduced by 0.5
Task Achievement: 5.5
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
Your Task Response score is heavily reduced due to mistakes *, ** and ***. This can be described as ‘addressing the task only partially’.
In terms of Coherence, even if you attempt to write a discussion-led opinion essay, your paragraphing and language must express your opinion clearly – this is somewhat missing in your writing. There are also some logical mistakes. Your Cohesion, however, is fairly good.
Your Lexical Resources are fairly good, with a certain level of range and flexibility. However, better word choices for certain contexts should be selected.
Your Grammar needs some improvements: articles, punctuations and parallelism.
<*> From reading your introduction, I would assume your essay will a one sided argument rather than partially agree/disagree.
<**> and <***> The two body paragraphs do not explain your point of view (one-sided argument). They are more of a balanced view approach, and thus do not fit with <*>
(a) CEO, CEOs: abbreviations are not suitable for formal writing
(b) insane: the positive meaning of this word is only used in spoken lanaguage
(1) Aged = Very old (Collins Cobuild) nên không hợp với ngữ cảnh này; trong ngữ cảnh này thì có thể sử dụng từ senior managers/directors, experienced people, etc
(2) Grammar: the older + n à the older ones.
(3) Expressing opinion: ‘I agree’ là cách tương đối đơn giản. Bạn có thể chọn các cách khác, ví dụ: to a certain extent, it is true that....
(4) Word choice: have à may bring ... to the companies.
(5) An auxiliary verb is required (could/can, might/may)
(6) Unparalleled; this should be: improve productivity and economic efficiency.
(7) Same as (2)
(8) Logic: Example of making market survey is not a proper example for youth power or technological adaption.
(9) Unparalleled: catch the market trends and making decision à catch market trends and make decisions
(10) Collocation mistake: significant à major
(11) Article: the à a
(12) Problem with coherence.
(13) Unparalleled: those younger à the younger (ones) do
(14) Turnover, sales à turnover or sales.
(15) This sentence is not clear. How is that quality significant to the topic? You may add some clarification, such as “… to be affected by wide and irregular turnover and sales fluctuation”
(17) ‘the’, not ‘some’. Or you can just remove the whole ‘because …’ clause.