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Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 từ IELTS Planet - Học IELTS Online.
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé.

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Chào các bạn, mình là Linh - thành viên mới, nhờ các bạn chữa giúp mình bài viết bên dưới.  Cảm ơn các bạn rất nhiều

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Internet Users as percentage of population

Description: Internet

The line graph shows the percentage of people who used the internet in three distinct countries, namely the USA, Canada and Mexico, during the period 1999-2009.

Overall, the trend was obviously upward for the all given countries over the time period in question.

In 1999, the USA experienced the highest percentage of internet users, about 20%, followed by Canada with 10%, and then Mexico who accounted for 5%. During the time of 6 years (1999 – 2005), there was a significant increase in the proportion of the Americans and Canadians using the internet, the both countries reached the high of approximately 70% in 2005. Similarly, the figure for Mexico also increased over this time period but at a slower pace, to just over 25%.

By 2009, almost 100% of Canada people used the internet, which made the country owned the most remarkable rise among the others. It was followed by the USA, who had the second highest percentage of using internet population (80%). And the last country, Mexico, comprised nearly 40%, making it 8 times higher than that in 1999. 

(Linh Bùi)

Rating: 5.40
đã hỏi trong Trend (line) bởi (7 điểm)
share bài về Wall để xem lại ===>

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7 góp ý

+1 phiếu

The line graph shows the percentage of people who used the internet in three distinct countries, namely the USA, Canada and Mexico, during the period 1999-2009.

Overall, the trend was obviously upward for the all given countries over the time period in question.

In 1999, the USA experienced the highest percentage of the internet users, about 20%, followed by Canada with 10%, and then Mexico who( bạn đang chỉ số lượng không phải chỉ người nên không dùng who) accounted for 5%. During the time of 6 years (1999 – 2005), there was a significant increase in the proportion of the Americans and Canadians using the internet, the both countries reached the high of approximately 70% in 2005. Similarly, the figure for Mexico also increased over this time period ( bạn có thể thay time period = given period)  but at a slower pace, to just over 25%.

By 2009, almost 100% of Canada people used the internet, which made the country owned the most remarkable rise among the others. It was followed by the USA, who had the second highest percentage of using internet population (80%). And the last country, Mexico, comprised nearly 40%, making it 8 times higher than that in 1999. 

Bạn có thể thay từ use the Internet = surf  the Internet 

(Linh Bùi)

Rating: 8.50
đã góp ý bởi (54 điểm)
Cảm ơn bạn heongu nhiều.
+1 phiếu

The line graph shows ---------> illutrates

Mexico who accounted ------------> which

 the both countries reached--------> both the countries

people used the internet----> the number of user

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (13 điểm)
+1 phiếu
Intro của bạn có thể paraphrase lại để tránh lặp từ ở câu hỏi "The line graph compares the amount of internet users in the USA, Mexico and Canada between 1999 and 2009".

Phần overview của bạn có thể rõ ràng hơn như sau "More and more people had access to the Internet in the 3 countries during the 10 year period. Compared to other 2 countries, Mexico had a significantly lower proportion of users"

Còn 2 phần paragraph chính thì tốt rồi :3. Mình chỉ có 1 xíu góp ý là cần phải có nhiều comparison hơn. phần viết của bạn có phần quá descriptive.
Rating: 8.20
đã góp ý bởi (16 điểm)
0 phiếu

Câu Overall bạn nên đưa ra 02 đặc điểm chung. Hiện tại mình mới đưa ra nhận xét là tất cả đều có xu hướng tăng. Cần đưa thêm nhận xét nữa là cái nào cao nhất, cái nào thấp nhất nhé.

Ở câu: In 1999, the USA experienced the highest percentage of internet users, about 20%, followed by Canada with 10%, and then Mexico who accounted for 5%. (vì mình đang nói tới số lượng nên không thể dùng WHO ở đây được).

Ngoài ra để tránh việc lặp nhiều " The percentage" , "The proportion" thì bạn dùng thêm "The rate" nữa nhé.

Rating: 5.55
đã góp ý bởi (4 điểm)
0 phiếu

The line graph shows/ gives information about the percentage of people who used the Internet/ Internet users in three distinct countries, namely the USA, Canada and Mexico, during over the period 1999-2009 a 10-year period between 1999 and 2009.

Overall, the trend was obviously upward for the all given countries over the time period in question. (riêng Overall thì xem thử bài mình nhận xét riêng: https://giaolangtrunghq.wordpress.com/2015/11/14/task-1-body-and-overall-for-line-graph-internet-users-body-overall-line-graph-tutorials/)

In 1999, the USA experienced the highest percentage of internet users the proportion/ percentage of people using the Internet was highest in USA, about 20%, (để tránh có nhiều dấu phẩy thì nên để trong ngoặc tròn) followed by Canada and Mexico with 10%, and then Mexico who accounted for and 5% respectively. During the time of 6 years (1999 – 2005) After 6 years, there was a significant increase in the proportion of people who used the Internet in USA and Canada the Americans and Canadians using the internet, the both countries reached the high of at approximately 70% in 2005. Meanwhile Similarly, the figure for Mexico also increased over this time period but at a slower pace went up gradually, to just over 25%.

By 2009, the growth in Internet usage was highest in Canada, with almost 100% of the population almost 100% of Canada people used the internet, which made the country owned the most remarkable rise among the others, while the figures for... (viết tiếp) It was followed by the USA, who had the second highest percentage of using internet population (80%). And the last country, Mexico, comprised nearly 40%, making it 8 times higher than that in 1999.  (câu này dài dòng) 

Rating: 7.70
đã góp ý bởi (344 điểm)
0 phiếu

You wrote: ...age of using internet population (80%). And the last country, Mexico, comprised nea...

Feedback: It is considered bad style to begin a sentence with the word 'and'. It seems overly conversational. ''The last''.

Canada, not Canada and Mexico

Similarly, the figure for Mexico also increased over this time period ( bạn có thể thay time period = given period)  but at a slower pace, to just over 25%.

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (16 điểm)
0 phiếu

You wrote: ...age of using internet population (80%). And the last country, Mexico, comprised nea...

Feedback: It is considered bad style to begin a sentence with the word 'and'. It seems overly conversational. ''The last''.

Canada, not Canada and Mexico

The line graph shows/ gives information about the percentage of people who used the Internet/ Internet users in three distinct countries, namely the USA, Canada and Mexico, during over the period 1999-2009 a 10-year period between 1999 and 2009.

 

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (16 điểm)

Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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