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Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 từ IELTS Planet - Học IELTS Online.
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé.

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Tons of thanks to those who drop any comments on my essay. I will definitely help you in return. :)

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That who plays the essential role of directing young generation to become exemplary citizens has raised heated debate. While some are of the opinion that it is parents who are responsible for this, others argue that this is educational institution’s duty. I strongly believe that it should be the combination of both to well nurturing children.

People may contend that whether kids can grow up as model members of society or not depends on their father and mother. This is due to the fact that parents are undoubtedly the closest individuals to youngsters with constant exposure to them since they were born until their maturity. Kids, therefore, unconsciously learn from parents’ habits and behaviors. For instance, youngsters whose parents are criminals tend to behave disobediently and mischievously and might possess a higher possibility of committing crimes in the future. In addition, family is usually the environment where adolescents and gain the senses of common customs and manners.

Advocators of school might insist that teachers possessing speciality and professional skills are likely to have an appropriate access to youngsters and provide them with not only a wide range of standardized knowledge and skills but also universal manners. As a result, young citizens probably develop comprehensively and later contribute a remarkable part to society. For example, a well-educated kid might become an outstanding doctor and save thousands people’ lives.

In conclusion, both parents and educational institutions should take the responsibility of growing young generation into exemplary citizens equipped with humanitarian mindset, discipline manners and professional knowledge. Without either, young people hardly become splendid members of society.

(264 words)

Tons of thanks to those who drop any comments on my essay. I will definitely help you in return. :)

Rating: 6.25
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That who plays the essential role of directing young generations to become exemplary citizens has raised heated debates. While some people are of the opinion that it is parents who are responsible for this activity, others argue that this is the compulsory duty of educational institutions. Personally, I strongly believe that it should be the combination of both views for children to be nurtured well.

 

In conclusion, it is essential that parents together with schools had better share the responsibilities of educating the young into model citizens who are equipped adequately with humanitarian mindsets, discipline manners and professional knowledge. Without either, young people hardly become splendid members of society. (nghe như mấy phim chia đẳng cấp con người của bọn Tây ý nhỉ)

 

Mình đang viết dở bài này nên 2 đoạn giữa mình chưa chữa. Đợi mình hoàn thành xong bài của mình rồi góp ý với bạn. Tham khảo bài của bạn lúc này thì mình hơi bị loạn ý một chút.

 

Rating: 8.70
đã góp ý bởi (344 điểm)
Cái That who plays the gì đó nên đổi thành The issue of whose essential role...
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People might contend that whether kids could become grow up as model members of in the society or not would depend considerably on how well their parents perform their parenting tasks their father and mother. This is due to the fact that parents are undoubtedly the closest individuals to their offspring youngsters with constant exposure most of their childhood to adolescent period to them since they were born until their maturity. Kids, therefore, unconsciously learn from parents’ habits and behaviors. There is a tendency that children would initimate their parents' behaviors.

For instance, youngsters whose parents are criminals tend to behave disobediently and mischievously and might possess a higher possibility of committing crimes in the future. => Ví dụ khá là tiêu cực và hơi không liên quan đến chủ đề moral, tí nữa không biết school có vai trò gì không nhưng tuyên bố thế này thì chắc school has nothing to do with these kids!

In addition, family is usually the first and foremost environment where adolescents and gain the senses of common customs and manners  that would enlighten its members about both moral and educational lessons with regard to standard social values.

 

Rating: 8.90
đã góp ý bởi (344 điểm)
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Advocators of school participation might insist that teachers possessing speciality and professional skills are likely to have an appropriate access to youngsters their young learners and provide them with not only a wide range of standardized knowledge and skills but also universal standard social manners.

As a result, young these future citizens probably could develop comprehensively and later contribute a remarkable part to society. For example, a well-educated kid might become an outstanding doctor and save thousands people’ lives. => Chỗ này chả ăn nhập gì hết. Nên nói về những gì mà ở nhà không có, ví dụ teacher sẽ là observers quan sát children interact with each other and interfere if needed. Ngoài ra, họ dạy các moral lessons and shape impeccable manners.

 

Đoạn này bạn viết không tốt bằng đoạn trước. Tham khảo thử bài mình:

Nevertheless, schools and teachers also have an immense influence on children development. Once taking part in a school society, a child starts his very first journey to a wider community with teachers act as devoted observers and instructors. Homes provide them with good manners within a minute group of relatives, however, this community comes with a great number of relationships in which associates freely and actively interact with each other. During the process, schooling significantly trains  students with essential  knowledge about moral standards as well as enhances their personal abilities. Parents, for this point, could not be able to take the similarly imperative step.

Rating: 9.00
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Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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