Theo mình thì mình sẽ viết như thế này (ý kiến riêng thôi nhé :D ). Những chỗ mình đánh dấu hồng là chỗ mình nghĩ là có thể sửa cho "học thuật" hơn một chút. Nhìn chung bạn viết khá tốt, nêu ra được các ý chính.
Nowadays, more and more people go to university to study higher, satisfy their passion, and turn their dream occupation into reality. But in fact, many students study too much and spend most of their time studying.(Có thể thay bằng A majority of students let their study time outweigh the time for any other activities.) On the contrary, some students just study within certain time and do part-time job or participate in sports activities. In my opinion, I agree with the viewpoint: " Full time university students should do other activites besides studying."
First, I agree that studying is very important. We study to know, to understand about the world we live, the people around us, to satisfy our passion, to increase our inspiration and knowledge about all fields. Without knowledge , we hardly do anything for society, we can not have a good job. And especially in university, students have to study so hard and make effort to complete projects, essays, etc. University students should not neglect studying because the university's time determine to their future. Therefore, I don not completely disapprove with the university students studying too much.
However, studying too much is not also good (có thể thay bằng từ "academic" hơn: also brings some drawbacks). If we just have been studying all day (After studying for a long period of time), we might become stressful, get tired and we won't(will not) have any spare time to do other things. Studying too much and not having time to relax makes (will decrease) our practice skills and communicating skills with other people reduce. Morever, we feel sad and bored when we study too much. And this is an important point: Studying university is not only studying. We can enjoy the university's time in the way we want, provided that it does not affect to our study.
Therefore, we should do other activities besides studying to relax, make inspiration to our study and bring us more skills and experience in society. We can learn to play a new music instrument, participate in a sport club or a charity, and do part-time favorite job to earn money and learn more about life and society and even register to a new foreign language course that we like. Those activities are not futile, all are useful for our study and our life. We will become more active and more agile. We will feel that life is so beautiful, so and interesting. Our university's time might be a memorable time, because we learn many things from life, not only in the lectures and bookish, academic knowledge. (mình nghĩ đoạn mở rộng ý này khá tốt nè, cố phát huy nhé :D )
In conclusion, the university students should not neglect their study, they should study hard but they also should do other activities to relax, make inspiration for their study and gain experience and skill from life. The key to success in university and in life is not only from the knowledge we learn, but also from experience and skills we gain from society social activities in life.