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      Nowadays, more and more people go to university to study higher, satisfy their passion, and turn their dream occupation into reality. But in fact, many students study too much and spend most of their time studying. On the contrary, some students just study within certain time and do part-time job or participate in sports activities. In my opinion, I agree with the viewpoint: " Full time university students should do other activites besides studying."
         First, I agree that studying is very important. We study to know, to understand about the world we live, the people around us, to satisfy our passion, to increase our inspiration and knowledge about all fields. Without knowledge , we hardly do anything for society, we can not have a good job. And especially in university, students have to study so hard and make effort to complete projects, essays, etc. University students should not neglect studying because the university's time determine to their future. Therefore, I don not disapprove with the university students studying too much. 

          However, studying too much is not also good. If we just have been studying all day, we might become stress, get tired and we won't have any spare time to do other things. Studying too much and not having time to relax makes our practice skills and communicating skills with other people reduce. Morever, we feel sad and bored when we study too much. And this is an important point: Studying university is not only studying. We can enjoy the university's time in the way we want, provided that it does not affect to our study.
         Therefore, we should do other activities besides studying to relax, make inspiration to our study and bring us more skills and experience in society. We can learn to play a new music instrument, participate in a sport club or a charity, and do part-time favorite job to earn money and learn more about life and society and even register to a new foreign language course that we like. Those activities are not futile, all are useful for our study and our life. We will become more active and more agile. We will feel that life is so beautiful, so interesting. Our university's time might be a memorable time, because we learn many things from life, not only in the lectures and bookish, academic knowledge.

          In conclusion, the university students should not neglect their study, they should study hard but they also should do other activities to relax, make inspiration for their study and gain experience and skill from life. The key to success in university and in life is not only from the knowledge we learn, but also from experience and skills we gain from society activities in life.

Rating: 6.25
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+4 phiếu

Theo mình thì mình sẽ viết như thế này (ý kiến riêng thôi nhé :D ). Những chỗ mình đánh dấu hồng là chỗ mình nghĩ là có thể sửa cho "học thuật" hơn một chút. Nhìn chung bạn viết khá tốt, nêu ra được các ý chính. 

 Nowadays, more and more people go to university to study higher, satisfy their passion, and turn their dream occupation into reality. But in fact, many students study too much and spend most of their time studying.(Có thể thay bằng A majority of students let their study time outweigh the time for any other activities.) On the contrary, some students just study within certain time and do part-time job or participate in sports activities. In my opinion, I agree with the viewpoint: " Full time university students should do other activites besides studying."
         First, I agree that studying is very important. We study to know, to understand about the world we live, the people around us, to satisfy our passion, to increase our inspiration and knowledge about all fields. Without knowledge , we hardly do anything for society, we can not have a good job. And especially in university, students have to study so hard and make effort to complete projects, essays, etc. University students should not neglect studying because the university's time determine to their future. Therefore, I don not completely disapprove with the university students studying too much. 

          However, studying too much is not also good (có thể thay bằng từ "academic" hơn: also brings some drawbacks). If we just have been studying all day (After studying for a long period of time), we might become stressful, get tired and we won't(will not) have any spare time to do other things. Studying too much and not having time to relax makes (will decrease) our practice skills and communicating skills with other people reduce. Morever, we feel sad and bored when we study too much. And this is an important point: Studying university is not only studying. We can enjoy the university's time in the way we want, provided that it does not affect to our study.
         Therefore, we should do other activities besides studying to relax, make inspiration to our study and bring us more skills and experience in society. We can learn to play a new music instrument, participate in a sport club or a charity, and do part-time favorite job to earn money and learn more about life and society and even register to a new foreign language course that we like. Those activities are not futile, all are useful for our study and our life. We will become more active and more agile. We will feel that life is so beautiful, so and interesting. Our university's time might be a memorable time, because we learn many things from life, not only in the lectures and bookish, academic knowledge. (mình nghĩ đoạn mở rộng ý này khá tốt nè, cố phát huy nhé :D )

          In conclusion, the university students should not neglect their study, they should study hard but they also should do other activities to relax, make inspiration for their study and gain experience and skill from life. The key to success in university and in life is not only from the knowledge we learn, but also from experience and skills we gain from society social activities in life.

Rating: 7.65
đã góp ý bởi (68 điểm)
cảm ơn bạn nhiều nha :D !
0 phiếu

Câu 1 theo mình thấy hơi bị dài và 3 cụm bạn dùng là rất thừa, dẫn đề thôi nhỉ?

It is obvious true that people nowadays tend to pursuit higher education instead of working right away after graduation.

 

Giờ đến câu chủ đề của bài. Bạn dùng tới 2 câu vì có 2 vấn đề lớn. Nhưng, theo mình thì bạn dùng mấy cái in fact, on the contrary sẽ không hợp lý trong phần Introduction, các đoạn sau sẽ cần những cụm này. Ngoài ra, nếu mình paraphrase lại đề bài thì sẽ tới 2 câu, y như của bạn. Có lẽ phải tiếp cận vấn đề theo một cách khác.

However, full-time students are said to spend most of their time studying without participating into other activities.

 

Hoặc, nếu bạn thích kiểu ngắn gọn, 2 câu là xong Introduction như Simon thì bỏ câu 1 đi mà nhảy thẳng vào đây:

Most of the students would benefit from some extra activities along with studies. (IELTS Buddy)

 

Những cách viết này sẽ giúp bạn rút ngắn thời gian phung phí cho Introduction. Đơn giản như trong câu 2 của bạn 2 cụm "study too much" và "spend most of their time studying" là ngang nhau, sang Đoạn 2 và 3 sợ là sẽ bị thiếu từ để thay đổi.

 

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (344 điểm)
+2 phiếu

Bạn dẫn đề 2-3 câu thì khá mất thời gian nhưng lúc làm câu Statement thì bạn lại đi siêu tắt.

 

Phong cách Simon:

Personally, I believe with the view that...

 

Theo bài của bạn, mình đọc nhanh, thì bạn support cả 2 chiều. Nên, chỗ này mở bài khá dễ. Dùng công thức là xong.

Personally, I believe that both views should be given equal consideration.

 

Views/ Trends thì dùng cho những câu trước có nhắc kiểu Some people think..., whereas others believe that...

 

Ở đây do mình không viết thế (vì như thế thì loằng ngoằng) nên mình nêu rõ ra:

Personally, I believe that spending time on both school tasks and engaging actively in other fields should be given equal consideration.

 

Chỗ này thì đừng có lặp lại cái activity, và cả bên dưới cũng vậy.

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (344 điểm)
+2 phiếu

Kết luận của bạn làm mình nghĩ bạn đang tiến bộ trong kỹ năng Viết nên rất thích viết thật nhiều, càng dài càng thấy thích.

 

Nhưng, câu đầu của bạn thực sự là quá dài và mắc lỗi run-on cũng như chủ ngữ nhiều cũng làm câu văn trở nên lủng củng.

In conclusion, university/ college students had better not neglect their study while...

 

Câu sau ổn rồi.

The key to career success definitely comes not only from knowledge at schools but also from working experience and skills learnt in practice.

Rating: 6.00
đã góp ý bởi (344 điểm)
+1 phiếu

First, I agree that studying is very important. => Câu này quá cụt! Chưa kể là trùng cái I agree/ I believe...

To begin with, there have been various benefits of a complete education despite the fact that it requires a great deal of time and efforts.

 

We study to know, to understand about the world we live, the people around us, to satisfy our passion, to increase our inspiration and knowledge about all fields. => Làm gì có thanh niên nào học được nhiều thế trong nhà trường. Nói đơn giản thôi. Trường thì cung cấp cho ta knowledge và a degree (câu sau).

One advantage of working hard in studies is that having compulsory knowledge and skills simply means a bridge to achieving highly expected careers. 

 

Without knowledge , we hardly do anything for society, we can not have a good job. => Dùng câu này như một câu giải thích, bổ trợ.

Without a doubt, job hunting has increasingly become more extreme than ever and there is a tendency to go abroad where undergraduates could seek for a higher-quality education. Therefore,...

 

And especially in university, students have to study so hard and make effort to complete projects, essays, etc. => Có vẻ chỗ này off-topic.

 

University students should not neglect studying because the university's time determine to their future. Therefore, I don not disapprove with the university students studying too much. => Mình nghĩ không cần state lại câu topic sentence. Hãy đưa ra thêm một dẫn chứng khác.

Another reason for... is that...

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (344 điểm)
+1 phiếu

Cá nhân mình thấy bnj viết khá trôi chảy, nhưng hình như còn hơi dài dòng và làm phúc tạp ở một số chỗ không cần thiết.

  First, I agree that studying is very important. We study to know, to understand about the world we live, the people around us, to satisfy our passion, to increase our inspiration and knowledge about all fields. Without knowledge , we hardly do anything for society, we can not have a good job. And especially in university, students have to study so hard and make effort to complete projects, essays, etc. University students should not neglect studying because the university's time determine to their future. Therefore, I don not disapprove with the university students studying too much. 

Đoạn này hình như hơi lan man, mình nghĩ bạn nên tập chung hơn vào ý kiến của bạn, chỉ nên tóm gọn phần này trong 1-2 câu thì hay hơn.


eg: undoubtedly, studying is very necessary for everyone  who want to have high status in life. But it does not mean that the more time you spend for study, the more success you achive.


ý kiến ca nhân thôi nếu bạn không đồng ý thì feedback lại chúng ta cùng trao đổi :)

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (33 điểm)

Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)

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