Đây chỉ là ý kiến của riêng mình thôi nhé :D Nếu có sai sót cho mình biết để chúng mình cùng sửa ha :D. Những chỗ mình tô màu tím là những chỗ mình nghĩ bạn nên thay từ để hay và học thuật hơn một chút.
As the increase of population and other serious problems are is (chủ ngữ chính trong câu là increase) threatening our planet such as disaster, diseases, poverty,.. I think it would be better to spend such money on vital public services such as education and health services than on space programs.
The first point to be mentioned is (Nên thay là: Firsly để tránh câu bị run-on) there are many poor countries in Africa and Asia are struggling with basic needs like (such as) foods, health services, and education. To help them get over (transcend - thường thì phrasal verbs ít được dùng trong essay) these difficulties, developed countries can contribute some funds as well as goods and people in order to support these countries. This meaningful action will help our world become a better place to live. (nên làm rõ ý hơn nữa về việc "becoming a better place" sau khi quyên góp: ví dụ như giảm tỉ lệ đói nghèo - poverty rate)
The next point is that investing on space program requires a lot of time, money and effort. Not many countries can ( A majority of countires cannot) satisfy these conditions in order to carry on the program. If they still try (make an effort) to do that, they might have to get a loan or a failure. Thus, governments should consider their ability and size of their budget to decide whether they shoud spend money on this expensive program.
The last point is whether we live on Earth or anywhere else, if we do not raise our consciousness of protecting the environment, our planet will be destroyed. I believe that government should distribute more of their budget on education and other vital public services in oder to increase people' life quality. Thus, they will not need to waste their money and time on such uncertain thing. ( Ý ở đoạn này chưa thực sự thuyết phục và rõ ràng cho lắm)
Although spending money on space program is a good idea, I believe that vital public services are still the main aspects that governments should pay more attention to. Hopefully, one day our world will not have to deal with poverty, disease anymore. (Theo mình thì bỏ câu này sẽ ổn hơn, kết bài dừng lại ở 1 câu cũng OK rồi)