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imageToday I saw a line graph on page http://www.ieltsanswers.com/Writing-Academic-Task1.html

I tried to write an essay about it...I am really confused about my vocab. I post my essay below. pls help me to correct it.

 

The lined graph compares changes in juvenile criminal rates in three  different areas between 1995 and 1998.

As can be seen clearly from the chart that the changes in the percentages of under-18- year- old crime in all regions were highest in 1996.

In 1995, the percentage change in juvenil offensive rate in rural area stood at 3%, while the figures for the suburban and urban regions were lower at roughly 2% and just above 0%, respectively. During the next year, the young crime rate in the suburban area witnessed a dramatic rise to 8%, compared to nearly 4% and just under 2% in the rural and urban areas.

By 1998, the proportion change in juvenile rate committing crime in both rural and urban region had plummetted to around -2% and approximately -4% each. In contrast, the dats of the suburban region reached the bottom at  2%, before climbing to 0% in 1998.

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã hỏi trong Trend (line) bởi (0 điểm)
share bài về Wall để xem lại ===>

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+2 phiếu

Paraphrase: The (given) lined graph compares changes in juvenile criminal rates in three  different areas between 1995 and 1998.

Overal: As can be seen clearly from the chart that the changes in the percentages of under-18- year- old crime in all regions were highest in 1996. =>You have to show the trend in this part. You can compare the amount in the first year and the last year of the investigation to know it’s trend. In this essay, you can say: three areas experienced an upward trend with the different level. so, you can add this information in the appropriate place.

In 1995, the percentage change in juvenil offensive rate in rural area stood at 3%, while the figures for the suburban and urban regions were lower at roughly 2% and just above 0%, respectively. During the next year, the young crime rate in the suburban area witnessed a dramatic rise to 8%, (the highest level in three areas over the period shown) compared to nearly 4% and just under 2% in the rural and urban areas.

By 1998, the proportion change in juvenile rate committing crime in both rural and urban region had plummetted to around -2% and approximately -4% each. In contrast, the dats of the suburban region reached the bottom at  2%, before climbing to 0% in 1998.

 

 

Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (8 điểm)
+1 phiếu
Overall:
-  You need to show the trend of this part. Do they go up, down or fluctuate in general?
- you can point out the highest or lowest point but it's better if you could avoid giving exact information in this part.
As can be seen clearly from the chart that the changes in the percentages of under-18- year- old crime in all regions were highest in 1996.==> It is obvious that the total percentage of under 18 criminals arrested by local police in suburban, rural and urban areas between 1995 and 1998  had dramatically dropped. The highest decrease was seen in both rural and urban sectors.
 
 
It is just my ideas about the overall.
Theo bạn, bài viết này được bao nhiêu "chấm" ?
đã góp ý bởi (10 điểm)

Tips: Thành viên với 10 points trở lên sẽ được sửa bài bởi Team Writing 7.5 :)
Bắt đầu nhận xét ở mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để bắt đầu kiếm point nhé :)
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