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Question: Some people think that all teenagers are required to do unpaid work. They believe that this will benefit teenagers and society as whole. To what extent do you agree or discagree with this opinion?

Answer

Nowadays, there are many people doing unpaid work, which has great help to communities. While I think that voluntary work is good and people are encouraged to do, I disagree with the opinion that all teeenagers are required to to voluntary work.

In the first place, students are busy with their study at school, their free time, therefore, should be spent relaxaxing activities. They need free time to play and do things they like to reduce stress. This, in return, help them to study better.

The second reason why I think requiring all teenagers to be volunteers is unsatifactory is that voluntary job only works when paople are happy to participate in these activities. If being required, volunteers will not do it with all their hearts, they just try to complete work that they are asked to do. As a result, society will not benefit anything from these kinds of volunatry work.

Some people may hold the idea that doing unpaid work help teenagers develope social skills and building up relationship because they have chances to meet new people and work together. I personally believe that these skills can be improved in other situations and under other circumstance such as at school, club and holiday accations.

In conlusion, it is good for every people to do voluntary work, but I disagree with the idea of requiring all teenagers to be voluneeters for all reasons expressed above.

(269 words).
Rating: 3.30
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There are some voccabulary mistakes on your writing, I think you might correct them by yourself.

when paople are happy to participate in these activities --> it should be when people are spontaneous to do

In my oppinion, your writing is also not vey diversified in voccabulary. For example the word "voluntary" is repeated 5 times, there is a duplication of "voluntary word" just in the second sentences of the first paragraph.

 

Rating: 0.60
đã góp ý bởi (12 điểm)
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Cách diễn đạt của bạn khá rõ ràng. Tuy nhiên, có thể dùng thêm 1 số academic words, collocation để tăng chất lượng bài viết

Nowadays, there are many people doing unpaid work, which has great help => provides/ brings invaluable/substantial helpt o communities. While I think that voluntary work is good => beneficial and people are encouraged to do, I disagree with the opinion that all teeenagers are required to to voluntary work.

In the first place, students are busy with their study at school.Their free time, therefore, should be spent on relaxing activities. They need free time to play and do things they like to reduce stress. This, in return, help them to study better.

The second reason why I think requiring all teenagers to be volunteers is unsatifactory is that voluntary jobs only works when paople are happy to participate in these activities. If being required, volunteers will not do it with all their hearts, they just try to complete work that they are asked to do. As a result, society will not benefit anything from these kinds of volunatry work.=> câu này bị chắc chắn quá. Câu trên lập luận là giới trẻ cố gắng hoàn thành công việc được giao thôi thì vẫn có benefit cho society được. 

Some people may hold the idea that doing unpaid work help teenagers develope social skills and building up relationship because they have chances to meet new people and work together. I personally believe that these skills can be improved in other situations and under other circumstance such as at school, club and holiday accations.

=> Đoạn này bạn viết bị lạc. bởi vì quan điểm bạn trình bày ở mở bài là theo hướng đồng ý một phần, volunteer là tốt thì bạn nên đưa riêng benefits of volunteering như là develop social skills vào 1 đoạn, chứ không nên có refutation như kiể có thể phát triển các kĩ năng này ở các hoàn cảnh khác. Điều này sẽ khiến cho người đọc hiểu là thân bài của bạn theo hướng hoàn toàn không đồng ý => Ảnh hưởng đến điểm coherence và cohesion 

In conlusion, it is good for every people to do voluntary work, but I disagree with the idea of requiring all teenagers to be voluneeters for all reasons expressed above.

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